this and that

I haven't written in a while.  Things have been pretty much hectic yet boring at the same time.

The hectic part came with getting my daughter ready for Prom and Graduation.  It came and went.

The boring part is, well, every other day.  But I'm working on it.

Now that the warm weather is here, I've had a little more energy, so I've been inspired to do a little more to better my situation.

For one, I've decided to become a support parent with Parent to Parent of New York State, an organization that exists basically to put parents of special needs individuals in touch with one another for support and so we can help each other find services, learn to advocate for our kids, things of that nature.  I have wanted to do something like this for a long time.  I just didn't know how.

For another, I re-did my resume and I now have an interview next week.  Shhh!  I haven't told many people yet!  It's actually not in my normal field, but I've done this type of work before.  It's been too long and I need to be productive and with people and out of the house.

I take little jabs at creativity, too.  Eh.  Not so good so far.

What I really need to do is exercise.  I feel myself getting out of shape.  Badly!  I told Stacy I want a treadmill since I know I won't go on walks.  I've gone on exactly 2 this summer.  I think I just need to find a good deal on a treadmill on craigslist, set it up, and be done with it.

What I also need to do is write more. And read more. Or my brain will rot.  I have been playing games to try to stimulate it, but that's not the same thing.  I am amazed at how short my attention span has gotten being home alone all day.  

I'm still on the fence about driving.  I think I have psyched myself up a little that I can't now, between the physical therapists saying I shouldn't, Stacy being afraid of me driving and me living in an unfamiliar place.  I've got to just swallow that fear and do it.  Or decide if I really shouldn't.  

So, this is all that goes on with me.  A lot of neurosis.  A lot of nothing.  I didn't even mention the constant barraging from "certain people."  Yeah, the same "certain person."  She is who she is.  Hmmm, wonder where the neurosis comes from?

Oh, I went to physical therapy for my neck.  Can I just say holy cow, when a person with fibromyalgia gets a massage it hurts like hell!  I may not be able to continue to go for PT because I may have used up all of my therapy for balance.  They are supposed to look into that and let me know.  

pain in the neck and stress

I saw my PT on Monday.

we did strength training along with VOR.  it wasn't easy.  in fact, it was hard.

not all of it.  parts of it.  specifically, the parts where I had to work with weights.  here's what happened:

I was minding my own business, lifting 6 whole pounds up and down over my head repetitively and it was getting harder and harder, but I kept going because I knew I was out of shape and I wanted to just get through the exercises and I didn't want to look like the out-of-shape piece of crap that I am and I felt the wave of dizziness just start to surge over me, but I kept on going and going because I figured if I didn't do something, eventually I was going to end up a big blob and I just wanted to finish and I did.

then I put the dumbells onto the rack and let the dizziness take over.

one of the therapists, Lauren, saw me and asked if I was ok.  I know they have to ask, but I hate when they ask when you are ok when, clearly, you are not ok.  I said not really and sat down fast.  She got Stacy, my therapist.

they got me water and tried to dissect my vertigo attack.  I felt tears come.  I had driven to therapy that day, which was rare, and I didn't want to leave dizzy.  they now thought I was "all worked up about driving" and that was why I got dizzy.  I knew that wasn't the case.  I now was "worked up" about becoming dizzy, but driving there in the first place didn't make me dizzy!!

when I caught my breath, I said to Lauren that the dizziness came after I lifted my hands above my head with the weights, and that this happens at home, too (without weights, obviously).  I also explained that I have neck problems and had gone for an MRI recently (still waiting on results, don't ask!) and sometimes even turning my head will make me dizzy.

she said (surprise, surprise) that neck problems can cause dizziness.  I knew this.  I remember reading this in someone else's blog and then reading more about this online.  here is some information now: cervicogenic dizziness

so after the dizziness passed, for some reason, I felt stupid.  for some reason, I usually feel stupid.  I don't know why.  I have no control over the dizziness.  it is a physical thing.

maybe it is because they (the therapists) talk about anxiety while the dizziness is happening, or right afterward. or they say things like, "open your eyes,"  which, is probably good advice.  it probably makes you less dizzy and makes the attack faster.

and it's not like anxiety is the worst thing in the world to have.  people live with it every day.  it is a common human response to stressful situations.

however

sometimes

it's

not

anxiety

and that aggravates the crap out of me.

it brings me back to a terrible, awful, horrible place in my life that I'd rather never visit again.

well, yeah, now that I've mentioned it, I will say it here, even though I now want to cry just typing it.

I probably will cry before this entry is finished.

a few years ago, I was, well, in a bad way.

in a mental hospital.  people should not be ashamed to say that.  but, society, the way it is, go ahead and judge me.

I was depressed, I was getting help.  anyway...

while I was in the hospital, I was getting these vertigo attacks.  I've been getting them for 11 years on and off, so it stands to reason.

on top of that, I was under tremendous stress (in a mental hospital, away from my family, depressed), AND, I was being pumped full of different medications to try to stabilize my mood.  it's common knowledge that medications can also make someone who is susceptible to being dizzy, dizzier.

well, the thing is, when I would have these attacks, the hospital staff believed I was "acting out."

if anyone has ever seen movies or TV shows about people in mental wards, you know what they do to patients who "act out," right?

I would be yelled at, grabbed, thrown on a bed and pumped with sedatives.  nice, huh?

this continued until I demanded to see a neurologist who whispered to me, "I believe you."  but not before my stay was extended way longer than it should have been.  they thought my "funny walk" was on purpose, too (it was an unsteady gait due to constant vertigo).

so now you know where I'm coming from.

sometimes when people say something is physical, it's physical.

emotional stuff can add to it.  and does, oh boy does it!

I wonder if I am ever going to get to the bottom of everything that is going on with me.

I wonder if there is a bottom.