quiet rebellion

I've pretty much been doing things my way lately.

last time I was at balance therapy, Stacy told me I don't have to do this for the rest of my life.  so, if I don't, why am I doing this?  I'm feeling pretty good.  seems like the crisis is over for now.

and, since she told me that my last visits would just be to tell me what to do at home, and since going is so inconvenient for all involved, well, the last visit just hasn't happened at all.  goodbyes are just so hard.

I haven't been going to talk therapy either.  I just haven't been "feeling it."  it's been a few weeks and my therapist hasn't called to check in on me.  shows how invested he was in me.  movin' on.

I have been trying to move more, read more, write more, look for work (can't find the right situation yet), eat healthier.

I've been doing freelance writing.  strange experience.  very constricting, but I am earning (a tiny bit of) money.

I'm trying to get involved with online things.  I'm hosting a twitter chat on May 29th, btw.  3:00 EST.  On the DSM-5.

I feel like I'm starting to take a tiny bit of control of my life.  just a tiny bit, though.  I've got a long way to go.  I think if I find something meaningful to do all day, that will help.  the writing helps, but it's not enough.

I will keep at this.  what choice do I have?

good to know

I met with Stacy on Monday.  but while I was waiting to see her, I asked one of the receptionists how many more visits I had.

I may have explained this before, but with my insurance, I'm entitled to roughly 20 visits.  after that, my therapist can assess me and extend my therapy for roughly 20 more, but that is all that I am entitled to for the entire year, regardless of my medical need. so if I get hit by a truck and then need more physical therapy, apparently, I would be out of luck until a year has passed.  so it is in my best interest to not use up every single one of my physical therapy visits just on balance therapy, just in case.

so, the receptionist told me, "oh, this is visit 20 of 20."

really?  when did they plan on telling me this?  wow.

I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me.  I wasn't ready yet.

other times I had gone to physical therapy, I had known in advance when my last day was coming.  I usually brought something in for the therapists as a "thank you" gift, like cookies or something.  one practice awards "graduates" with shirts and other tokens when they have completed their therapy.  this seemed a bit cold.

I had been seeing these people for months.  joking with them.  crying to them.  and now, because of an arbitrary number set by the government, it was suddenly going to be over.  one of my few links to the "outside world."  I know I'm taking this way too hard, but my world is very small, and it was about to become even smaller.

so, Stacy came for me and took me to a treatment room so we could discuss my progress.  she gave me a few questionnaires to fill out, rating scales which measure my confidence and depression levels.

funny thing about that.  since I've studied about these kind of tests and administered them myself, I'm always guessing at what "they" are looking for, and not always what I really feel.  it's a terrible way to be, I know.  but it's like trying to unlearn to read.  you can't do it.  try it.  just try to look at a page of written words without reading them.  yeah, I thought so.

well, I knew that I couldn't seem too depressed and I had to show more confidence than the last time I took these tests and, well, maybe I have progressed somewhat anyway, I don't know.  it's hard to be honest when you are trying to not be honest.

in any case, Stacy was happy with my answers, and that's what matters.  right?

she told me that we will have a few more sessions where we will plan my dismissal.  she'd make sure I was all set with home exercise.

that's when I told her about my little experiment with home exercise.  I was ready for her to tell me it was anxiety again.

instead, she told me that I should get a cardiac workup, that what I described to her sounded cardiac.  I'm not gonna lie; I started crying.  not because I'm worried, but because I felt like an ass.

I don't even know why I felt stupid, though.  I guess because I have let doctors push me around and to the side so long and dismiss me, even when I feel things like this.  well, why shouldn't I?  I let other people do it, too.

I told her I would finally get a physical and go from there.  I also asked her if it would be possible to see the neurologist sooner than the end of June.  actually, I am seeing the nurse practioner and I want to see the doctor.  I didn't think that was unreasonable.  neither did Stacy.  she told me to tell this to the receptionists (p.s., they couldn't find me an appointment with him).  we then had our normal session and I was on my way.

since then, I've made an appointment with my primary care doctor for a physical. I've been exercising some. other than that, business as usual.

disturbing development

so, I'm supposed to be exercising.

I thought I'd do that yesterday, make a real good effort.

I went through my CD's and put in the Scorpion King Soundtrack and started stretching.  so far so good.

then crunches...no problem.  then, I was really getting into it, and decided to do aerobics.

I figured that, in order to avoid vertigo, I would do whatever exercises I used to do standing, while lying down.

made sense to me.

so I started moving my arms and legs around to try to get my heart rate up.

then, it hit me.

a wave of dizziness like I'm not used to.

this was not regular vertigo.  this was different.  like I felt like oxygen was being cut off from my brain.

yes, I know what that feels like.  and it felt like that.

I lay on the floor, waiting for it to pass, wondering what the hell is going on with my body.

why did these motions bring on this particular reaction?

was it the movements of my arms?  or the bringing up of my heart rate?

I had to know.  so I did it again.


after less than a minute, I had the same reaction, only far worse.

I thought for sure someone would find me dead on the floor.

I lay there unable to move for at least a song and a half.  that would be, what, 5, 6 minutes?

I never completely lost consciousness, I don't think.  almost though.

I thought of calling my partner and telling her to come home.  but I figured, why?  what's anyone going to do about this?  I also thought about calling the neurologist but vetoed that idea as well.  I'm going to physical therapy on Monday.  I figure I'll talk to Stacy about it.  hopefully I can get my point across to her about how this went down and she can tell me what to do next.

I have to admit, this has me a little shaken.  I mean, deep down inside, I honestly don't worry about my health because I figure what will be will be but in the end, I just want to get better however;

this now leads me in another direction.

I always figured whatever is "wrong" with me is basically this vertigo crap along with a bunch of arthritis and, yeah, the fibromyalgia, and, while it is all aggravating and tiring and painful, none of it is life-threatening.

but what the hell is THIS??

MRI results

well, now I know why I've been getting headaches and neck pain.  I have 3 herniated discs in my neck.

the tech on the phone told me this could wait til my appointment in June.  really?  that sucks a little.

lucky for me I already am going for physical therapy.  I hope they can do something for it there.

everything I have read doesn't say, "hey ignore this thing."  it says treat it or it can wind up a surgical matter.

it says it causes the weakness in my arms and legs that I have, the numbness in my hands, the horrible headaches, the DIZZINESS.

oh, but let's wait til June.

sure, it's not HIM.

sometimes doctors suck.

perhaps I would like to go on with my life.

maybe even, I don't know, get better?

now that I have a clue what is wrong with me.

just knowing what it is isn't going to make it go away, jackass!

the tech on the phone didn't know I was going for physical therapy...so what if I weren't?

I was just going to WAIT until June with my thumb up my ass?

I will discuss my results with my therapists (because they won't know), but I don't know if they can do anything without talking with the doctor.

more wasted time, more wasted visits.

I'm just a little frustrated now.

see, Medicare only allows so many physical therapy visits, and I think I am approaching my max.

so I feel like I'm working against the clock.

and tonight I'm only going to see an assistant, not my therapist, so he won't be able to do anything.  I know he won't.

I'll still bring it up.  let's see what happens.

pain in the neck and stress

I saw my PT on Monday.

we did strength training along with VOR.  it wasn't easy.  in fact, it was hard.

not all of it.  parts of it.  specifically, the parts where I had to work with weights.  here's what happened:

I was minding my own business, lifting 6 whole pounds up and down over my head repetitively and it was getting harder and harder, but I kept going because I knew I was out of shape and I wanted to just get through the exercises and I didn't want to look like the out-of-shape piece of crap that I am and I felt the wave of dizziness just start to surge over me, but I kept on going and going because I figured if I didn't do something, eventually I was going to end up a big blob and I just wanted to finish and I did.

then I put the dumbells onto the rack and let the dizziness take over.

one of the therapists, Lauren, saw me and asked if I was ok.  I know they have to ask, but I hate when they ask when you are ok when, clearly, you are not ok.  I said not really and sat down fast.  She got Stacy, my therapist.

they got me water and tried to dissect my vertigo attack.  I felt tears come.  I had driven to therapy that day, which was rare, and I didn't want to leave dizzy.  they now thought I was "all worked up about driving" and that was why I got dizzy.  I knew that wasn't the case.  I now was "worked up" about becoming dizzy, but driving there in the first place didn't make me dizzy!!

when I caught my breath, I said to Lauren that the dizziness came after I lifted my hands above my head with the weights, and that this happens at home, too (without weights, obviously).  I also explained that I have neck problems and had gone for an MRI recently (still waiting on results, don't ask!) and sometimes even turning my head will make me dizzy.

she said (surprise, surprise) that neck problems can cause dizziness.  I knew this.  I remember reading this in someone else's blog and then reading more about this online.  here is some information now: cervicogenic dizziness

so after the dizziness passed, for some reason, I felt stupid.  for some reason, I usually feel stupid.  I don't know why.  I have no control over the dizziness.  it is a physical thing.

maybe it is because they (the therapists) talk about anxiety while the dizziness is happening, or right afterward. or they say things like, "open your eyes,"  which, is probably good advice.  it probably makes you less dizzy and makes the attack faster.

and it's not like anxiety is the worst thing in the world to have.  people live with it every day.  it is a common human response to stressful situations.

however

sometimes

it's

not

anxiety

and that aggravates the crap out of me.

it brings me back to a terrible, awful, horrible place in my life that I'd rather never visit again.

well, yeah, now that I've mentioned it, I will say it here, even though I now want to cry just typing it.

I probably will cry before this entry is finished.

a few years ago, I was, well, in a bad way.

in a mental hospital.  people should not be ashamed to say that.  but, society, the way it is, go ahead and judge me.

I was depressed, I was getting help.  anyway...

while I was in the hospital, I was getting these vertigo attacks.  I've been getting them for 11 years on and off, so it stands to reason.

on top of that, I was under tremendous stress (in a mental hospital, away from my family, depressed), AND, I was being pumped full of different medications to try to stabilize my mood.  it's common knowledge that medications can also make someone who is susceptible to being dizzy, dizzier.

well, the thing is, when I would have these attacks, the hospital staff believed I was "acting out."

if anyone has ever seen movies or TV shows about people in mental wards, you know what they do to patients who "act out," right?

I would be yelled at, grabbed, thrown on a bed and pumped with sedatives.  nice, huh?

this continued until I demanded to see a neurologist who whispered to me, "I believe you."  but not before my stay was extended way longer than it should have been.  they thought my "funny walk" was on purpose, too (it was an unsteady gait due to constant vertigo).

so now you know where I'm coming from.

sometimes when people say something is physical, it's physical.

emotional stuff can add to it.  and does, oh boy does it!

I wonder if I am ever going to get to the bottom of everything that is going on with me.

I wonder if there is a bottom.

what's a girl to do?

I've been having one of "those" weeks.

the walls are closing on in me.

to paraphrase Homer Simpson, I've run out of things to do on the Internet.

nothing seems interesting.

I feel like my brain is turning to mush.

the virtual teaching job that I thought I was hired for doesn't seem to be panning out.

I'm not writing as much as I'd like.  when I try, I'm like an engine with old oil in it.  I only get so far before I cease.  no matter how hard I try, I get confused; my words, thoughts stall.

this worries me.  a lot.  more than anything else.

I wonder if I will continue this way.  and if so, what will become of me?

I want to make something of my life.  but what are my options?

I have to figure something out.

what exactly is there out there for a middle-aged, dizzy, well-educated but muddle-headed woman to do all day?

I think this will require some prayer.

eating steady

today, I'm trying something "different."

it's really not different, because I've tried it before, but now I'm trying it again with more knowledge.

I'm going super-low-carb in an effort to control my vertigo.  I'm pretty much following Atkins.

this is what I know:

many years ago, while I was engaged to the Evil One, the two of us went on a very low-carb diet, at that time, to lose weight.  We both did...a good amount, too.  But, what was remarkable was that, at the same time, my overall health improved.  smart as I was, I didn't put 2 and 2 together.

see, at the time, I was pretty much bedridden and going to physical therapy to try to learn to walk again after a major vertigo attack.  I couldn't do much else except sleep and drink these high-protein shakes.  after a few months, my balance got better.  I thought it was a miracle.

by the time the Evil One and I got married, I was able to dance at my wedding.  then, like two schmucks, we ate like pigs on our honeymoon.  I remember collapsing in his cousin's yard.  we thought it was from partying a little two hard.  now, looking back, I know it was from my system saying, "hey, what are you doing to me??"  two weeks after we were married, I suffered a worse vertigo attack than the one I'd had that winter.  low-carb to over-carb...my body was in overdrive.  I knew none of that then, though.  I didn't even know it was vertigo, then.  we were still working with the diagnosis of dystonia (and/or "it's all in your head")!

being part of several dizzy/Meniere's/balance disorders support groups has led me to learn that my blood sugar directly affects my balance problems. this is significant information to know.  for so many reasons.  for example:
1. I should not go without eating.  I already know that I am hypoglycemic; I found that out like 20 some-odd years ago.  so, since my blood sugar tends to get on the low side all by itself, it does not need help from me not eating properly.  that's just plain idiotic.
2. stress does have an effect on my balance disorder.  why?  because stress affects your adrenals which, in turn, affects your insulin production which, in turn, affects your blood sugar.  diabetics, take note...stress affects you, too, in a very similar way!
3. other things I put into my body also affect my balance disorder.  one of them is medication.  another is cigarettes.  one I can't do anything about.  the other...well...let me get the diet thing going first and I'll get back to that one.  it's hard to give up smoking when you live with a smoker.  however, being less dizzy is a good incentive, so...
4. if I lose weight, I will be less dizzy.  why? because my body will function more properly; therefore, my organs will work the way they should.  also, my hormones will be at a more stable level.  so, that brings me back to the topic of today.

I absolutely, positively hate thinking about food.  hard to believe, considering my weight, but it's true.  the Nurse Practitioner said it is probably due to the medications I take.  but, get this, because I actually eat very little, my body holds onto the food I do eat like it's in starvation mode because it doesn't know when it's getting its next food, so, even though I don't actually eat enough to justify my round shape, I maintain it because I have done a fabulous job of messing up my metabolism.  that, and the fact that I don't expend enough calories to boot.

so, I also need to exercise more.  I'm working on that one, too.  it's very hard to stay motivated all alone.