solitude

I'm lost.

I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing.

you know what?  nobody cares.  if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't, either.

it's a struggle now for me to care.  but I have to, for them.  that's actually a big step for me.

however, that still leaves me with now.

for the most part, I'm not dizzy.  I do lose my balance every so often and once in a while, I will have a weird spaced-out feeling, if I wait too long to eat or if I move my head funny.  but I'm doing pretty well for now.

probably because I'm not eating much, and what I am eating is much healthier. and the weather is good.

I'm barely seeing a difference in my weight.  this aggravates me to no end.  if a "normal" person ate as much as I did, they would be dropping at least 5 pounds a week.  in fact, I can see Stacy shrinking next to me.

I don't care about eating.  I don't care about much.  I guess I'm probably depressed somewhat.  not all the way, because I don't want to sleep all day and I am still concerned about being clean.

I would be afraid of going on medication to try to elevate my mood.  the last thing I need is to be more dizzy.  but this sucks, too.  besides, I don't think a pill would fix this.  getting out of the house would.  but where will I go?

a walk?  to where?  I'm trapped.  I hate it here.  I have no one to talk to.  nobody cares enough to check in on me. I'm tired of being the first one to call or make contact.  I may be lonely but dammit I will not beg.

yeah, I'm crying.  I haven't had a good cry in a while.  maybe that's what I needed.  I don't know what else I need, though.  guess I'll keep on looking.