holding on

I woke up today and, right off the bat, I realized that getting to the bathroom was not going to be as easy as it usually was.

When I stepped onto the floor, I felt everything tilt and I stumbled until I hit the wall.

It was as if I had been at sea for months and I hadn't gotten my sea legs and recovering from a hangover without the fun of the drink the night before.

here I go again...


I knew this day was coming.  I just didn't know when.  And now I kinda felt like Chicken Little with pieces of sky in my face.  This is not an "I told you so" you want to have right.

But with a vestibular disorder, you're always Chicken Little and the sky is always falling.  No one wants to think so, but you can go from perfect to horrible in the blink of an eye.

Let me start from the beginning.  I'll try not to be too boring.

11 years ago this past Christmas Eve, I joined the ranks of the dizzy.  It was much worse than it is now.  Much, much worse.  At first, I thought I was having seizures, but I was awake.  My eyes rolled up in my head and my body would shudder violently.  (My moronic fiancee...now my ex-husband...didn't get me immediate medical care because he feared the hospital testing me for drugs!  We smoked a little pot.  For Christ's sake, I would have taken HIM if we had just shot up heroin and done twenty lines of coke, but, like I said, he's a moron).

When the attacks continued, we finally did go to an emergency room, where they told us to follow up with a neurologist.  On our way there, I fell in the parking lot, which happened to be adjacent to another hospital.  The neurologist's office said to bring me to the hospital instead, where they told me it was "stress" and sent me home with Xanax and Zoloft.  THAT made things 1000 times worse.  Within a day, we were calling an ambulance from my house, but since the EMT's didn't know what to make of me, they were asking me in the ambulance if I were being beaten.

I took many tests and spoke to many people at the hospital.  Finally, an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor told me he knew what was wrong with me...Labrynthitis, a severe infection of the inner ear that causes vertigo like mine.  He said the vertigo could take a few weeks to go away and he prescribed steroids and further testing at his office.

That should be the end of the story.  But it isn't.

His testing revealed "central nervous system damage" (whatever that meant).  He told me to follow up with a neurologist.

And so my nightmare with doctors began.

I saw doctor after doctor, had test after test.  No one could put a finger on what was wrong with me.  Some told me it was "in my head."  Some misdiagnosed me.

I lost the support of most of my family and friends because of my depression and the actions it led me to do. And because they didn't really think I was "sick."

I had to keep researching myself, finding answers, support, weeding out bad doctors, unhealthy relationships.  It has not been easy.

Two years ago, I decided to go back to the beginning.  An ENT and have him retest me.  Same results.  My inner ear is messed up.  From there, I tried some physical therapy.  That therapist sent me to a neurologist, who sent me for some testing.  That testing is what led me to my current treatment with a practice who finally understands how all this works...the vestibular system.  Every question I ask, they can answer.  They understand WHY my body does what it does.  HOW my lazy eye affects my improvement.  HOW neurology plays a part in the vestibular system.  EVERYTHING.  Even how psychology plays a role.  Amazing.

So, back to today.  I knew it would come.  How many times have I had relapses?  Too many.  I haven't had    one since I've started balance therapy at this place, though, but I'm glad I have them.  And I'm glad I have an appointment tomorrow.  I know they will help me through this one.