good to know

I met with Stacy on Monday.  but while I was waiting to see her, I asked one of the receptionists how many more visits I had.

I may have explained this before, but with my insurance, I'm entitled to roughly 20 visits.  after that, my therapist can assess me and extend my therapy for roughly 20 more, but that is all that I am entitled to for the entire year, regardless of my medical need. so if I get hit by a truck and then need more physical therapy, apparently, I would be out of luck until a year has passed.  so it is in my best interest to not use up every single one of my physical therapy visits just on balance therapy, just in case.

so, the receptionist told me, "oh, this is visit 20 of 20."

really?  when did they plan on telling me this?  wow.

I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me.  I wasn't ready yet.

other times I had gone to physical therapy, I had known in advance when my last day was coming.  I usually brought something in for the therapists as a "thank you" gift, like cookies or something.  one practice awards "graduates" with shirts and other tokens when they have completed their therapy.  this seemed a bit cold.

I had been seeing these people for months.  joking with them.  crying to them.  and now, because of an arbitrary number set by the government, it was suddenly going to be over.  one of my few links to the "outside world."  I know I'm taking this way too hard, but my world is very small, and it was about to become even smaller.

so, Stacy came for me and took me to a treatment room so we could discuss my progress.  she gave me a few questionnaires to fill out, rating scales which measure my confidence and depression levels.

funny thing about that.  since I've studied about these kind of tests and administered them myself, I'm always guessing at what "they" are looking for, and not always what I really feel.  it's a terrible way to be, I know.  but it's like trying to unlearn to read.  you can't do it.  try it.  just try to look at a page of written words without reading them.  yeah, I thought so.

well, I knew that I couldn't seem too depressed and I had to show more confidence than the last time I took these tests and, well, maybe I have progressed somewhat anyway, I don't know.  it's hard to be honest when you are trying to not be honest.

in any case, Stacy was happy with my answers, and that's what matters.  right?

she told me that we will have a few more sessions where we will plan my dismissal.  she'd make sure I was all set with home exercise.

that's when I told her about my little experiment with home exercise.  I was ready for her to tell me it was anxiety again.

instead, she told me that I should get a cardiac workup, that what I described to her sounded cardiac.  I'm not gonna lie; I started crying.  not because I'm worried, but because I felt like an ass.

I don't even know why I felt stupid, though.  I guess because I have let doctors push me around and to the side so long and dismiss me, even when I feel things like this.  well, why shouldn't I?  I let other people do it, too.

I told her I would finally get a physical and go from there.  I also asked her if it would be possible to see the neurologist sooner than the end of June.  actually, I am seeing the nurse practioner and I want to see the doctor.  I didn't think that was unreasonable.  neither did Stacy.  she told me to tell this to the receptionists (p.s., they couldn't find me an appointment with him).  we then had our normal session and I was on my way.

since then, I've made an appointment with my primary care doctor for a physical. I've been exercising some. other than that, business as usual.

my eyes and the problems they cause me

my vision therapy evaluation, such as it was, has came and gone.

I guess you can gather from that statement that it was quite short.  far shorter than I thought it would be.  initially, they told me that they set aside 3 days for the exam; two days for the testing and a third day for the doctor to go over the results.

they didn't count on me.  always the exception.  great.

sometimes it's a good thing to be done with tests quickly.  this was not one of these times.

the evaluator was simply unable to perform more than two or three tests with me.  why?  the tests require one to have the ability to see in 3-D.  because I have the crossed eye, I simply lack this ability.  completely.  I've never been able to "enjoy" a 3-D book or movie.  no biggie.  it's not like a handicap or anything.  it does impact my vision in other ways, like depth perception (learning parallel parking was a nightmare!), but, still, this is not a big deal in my life.  since I was born this way, my brain has learned to compensate and I move about in my flat little world.

however, it did bring the testing to a screeching halt.  so, day one of testing was compacted into about 30 minutes.  day two of testing turned into me talking to the doctor about day one and playing around a little bit with some prisms.  there was no need for day three.

so, the doctor basically told me that I have three options as far as vision therapy goes.  option one is to get surgery to fix my eye.  he doesn't do that, but he could recommend someone who does.  then, I would get therapy to go along with the surgery.  I wasn't too keen on option one.  I like my eye.  I don't want to take chances with my eyesight.  I don't know anyone who had success with this.  In fact, I know people who had this surgery and had their eyes be worse off afterwards.  I just read this article about the surgery and my stomach has not stopped lurching since (and this is just the facts, not any horror stories whatsoever):
Eye muscle repair So, I think option one is out.  I've lived with a crossed eye for 44 years.  I think I can live with it for another 44-whatever.

option two is to do nothing at all.  I kind of feel that this is not an option, either.  very often, I find myself hitting walls in balance therapy (not literally!) because the therapists are telling me that certain things I need to work on fall under the auspices of vision therapy.  ok, vision therapist, therapize me!

option three, then, is to come to him for vision therapy.  and that means many things.  working with prisms to try to straighten the eye (if we decide to go that route).  I did tell the doctor that, while it would be nice to learn to park without hitting other cars and objects and to go through fast food drive-ins without taking my side mirrors off (ok, so I haven't completely learned to compensate with my lack of depth perception!), correcting my crossed eye isn't as important to me as addressing the real reason I came to him in the first place; to desensitize me from the things that make me dizzy.  flashing lights.  sudden objects in my visual field.  busy stimulating environments.  can he help fix those?  it was a little difficult to get him on track there, but he seemed to be saying yes, he could.  I mean, he was the guy my neurologist referred me to in the first place.  I have to believe he can help.  he's the "eye guy..."

he sent me home with some insurance paperwork to sign and return and had me talk to the therapist to set up my first appointment after I confirmed that my insurance covered his services.  I have to admit a feeling of leeriness.  it's a money thing, and I hope he knows what he is doing.  something just feels...odd...maybe it's just change.  I do have a hard time trusting people.  I guess I'll give it a go and see what happens.  first appointment in a few weeks.