Perhaps it IS all in my head...

Guess you can tell I just had another conversation with Mom.

"You know, Karin, your motion sickness and dizziness in the car is probably anxiety about driving."

(because, you know, she suffered from panic attacks when she was younger. so that MUST be it. never mind the fact that I had a job where I drove all over the county and had NO problems then. and I used to work in a school that was a 25-minute (easy) drive away from my house when I lived in South Carolina. AND I have driven a 15-passenger van. CLEARLY I am anxious about driving!)

"You know, if you try you can overcome this."

(overcome WHAT? a physical condition that I am suffering from? MAYBE if she tries really hard, she can see out of her blind eye? I mean, if it could work for me, it could work for her!)

"Because you know, not driving is SUCH a disadvantage!"

(what do you even say to that? that I am less of a person because I don't drive much? I don't know, when someone gets dizzy in a moving car, PERHAPS driving is not the best idea. HOWEVER, I am a smart and resourceful person. I can figure out what to do to get where I need to go.)

Just for the record, I don't get in the car expecting to get sick or dizzy. I get in the car with my destination in mind. I don't worry about it, I just go, as a passenger OR a driver. It just happens. Sometimes, not every time.

But enough of that stupidity. I had a visit with the neurological nurse practitioner last week. First of all, SHE took my symptoms seriously. She told me it is COMMON for people with my condition to have these issues.

She prescribed Neurontin for me to try. So I am trying it. Guess what? I went in the car a few times and realized LATER that it helps! As a passenger, at least. I think I drove once locally since then and that was ok, too. I haven't tried a long trip yet.

ALSO, she told me that the nature of my illness comes from an issue with my brain stem. I have NO idea what that means. So I looked it up.

I don't know if they are calling my condition migraine-related vertigo (which is in the brain stem) because I DO have migraines, OR if there was something else that messed with my brain stem. Like a stroke. Because, you know, when I first got sick, it came on suddenly AND I had problems swallowing AND I couldn't walk.

<shrug> sounds like it's something, though. And it IS in my head, right?

If I wanted your opinion...

The other day, I posted some rules and advice for dealing with a dizziness disorder. I admitted already that it is hard for me to follow my own advice. And so, I have no problem letting off some steam while I, once again, do not do what I tell others to do because I know it's right.

I am so sick and tired of trying to "defend" my illness to people who feel the need to try to diagnose me or my symptoms with NO knowledge whatsover about what they are talking about.

It should not bother me at this point, but it does. Terribly.

First of all, I feel like crap when I'm told by people that my symptoms must be psychological because they are happening at such-and-such a time. For example, my mother says the motion sickness and disorientation that I am experiencing in the car must be psychological because it is happening since I started driving more and working a little bit.

I try to explain to her that 1) These and other problems happen all of the time throughout the year and when I also have nothing going on. They happened all those years I wasn't driving or working at all. As they have been happening over the past 13 years. So for them to happen now isn't any different.

And 2) One of the things that triggers symptoms is stress. Any kind of stress, not just emotional. Physical stress, mental stress, dietary stress, overstimulation, overexertion, overtaxing, and just plain overdoing it. So, when I go from being inactive and working at my own pace at home, where everything is familiar and I have very few deadlines to working, driving around, adding myself as a means of transportation, trying to learn an unfamiliar area, deadlines, demands. This is piling on every stress at once. Seems obvious to me.

Of course, I know my mother also considers that I have a past history of emotional issues. Yes, yes I do. So many of them pertaining to this very same illness, particularly at the beginning of it, during all the years of misdiagnosis and mistreatment, and when I came to realize that I probably will have this the rest of my life. I also had other issues that I was dealing with along the way. Let's just say it's hard to maintain healthy relationships, friendships or habits when you become so incapacitated and, as a result, depressed, anxious and hopeless.

People, in general, are under the assumption that those who suffer any kind of mental difficulty are not worthy of being counted as whole people. That having, say, obsessive-compulsive disorder or panic attacks means that every physical symptom that person feels must manifest from a place in their head, not to be taken seriously.

And so, because I've been depressed, my complaints surely must be psychosomatic.

It really sucks to be treated in this manner. But it doesn't stop there.

Because I was depressed, not only are my symptoms in my head, my entire vestibular disorder is in my head. Despite the medical opinions of several specialists who are in agreement, after testing and treatments. That all doesn't count, because I was depressed. Over getting sick in the first place.

What makes people think it is alright to talk about my illness like they know better than myself or my doctor? And I don't buy the "because they are family" line. I'm not going to ask my mom how her gynecology exam went. I understand boundaries. Some things are personal. Some lines shouldn't be crossed.

It hurts to be told I should go to therapy to deal with the "problems" which cause my balance issues. If only I could heal my vestibular system with talking. I'd be on a couch tomorrow. Can a person "talk" their broken leg into getting back together? Or "analyze" their high cholesterol into resolving itself? This is different how?

Surely not because stress makes it worse. Stress also makes diabetes worse, high blood pressure worse, migraines worse, PMS worse, colds and flu worse. Do people who deal with those ailments get told they have to go to therapy? This is different how?

Because it's invisible? There actually are tests which can help to diagnose BPPV, Meniere's, and other vestibular conditions. How do I know? Because I TOOK them. I wasn't just RANDOMLY treated.

I also happen to keep myself informed. I read about vestibular issues and I speak to others who also suffer from them.

NO MATTER HOW many times I offer this as validation of my physical illness, I encounter flak.

It's frustrating as hell.

Not sure if I feel better now. Still, it had to be said.