Perhaps it IS all in my head...

Guess you can tell I just had another conversation with Mom.

"You know, Karin, your motion sickness and dizziness in the car is probably anxiety about driving."

(because, you know, she suffered from panic attacks when she was younger. so that MUST be it. never mind the fact that I had a job where I drove all over the county and had NO problems then. and I used to work in a school that was a 25-minute (easy) drive away from my house when I lived in South Carolina. AND I have driven a 15-passenger van. CLEARLY I am anxious about driving!)

"You know, if you try you can overcome this."

(overcome WHAT? a physical condition that I am suffering from? MAYBE if she tries really hard, she can see out of her blind eye? I mean, if it could work for me, it could work for her!)

"Because you know, not driving is SUCH a disadvantage!"

(what do you even say to that? that I am less of a person because I don't drive much? I don't know, when someone gets dizzy in a moving car, PERHAPS driving is not the best idea. HOWEVER, I am a smart and resourceful person. I can figure out what to do to get where I need to go.)

Just for the record, I don't get in the car expecting to get sick or dizzy. I get in the car with my destination in mind. I don't worry about it, I just go, as a passenger OR a driver. It just happens. Sometimes, not every time.

But enough of that stupidity. I had a visit with the neurological nurse practitioner last week. First of all, SHE took my symptoms seriously. She told me it is COMMON for people with my condition to have these issues.

She prescribed Neurontin for me to try. So I am trying it. Guess what? I went in the car a few times and realized LATER that it helps! As a passenger, at least. I think I drove once locally since then and that was ok, too. I haven't tried a long trip yet.

ALSO, she told me that the nature of my illness comes from an issue with my brain stem. I have NO idea what that means. So I looked it up.

I don't know if they are calling my condition migraine-related vertigo (which is in the brain stem) because I DO have migraines, OR if there was something else that messed with my brain stem. Like a stroke. Because, you know, when I first got sick, it came on suddenly AND I had problems swallowing AND I couldn't walk.

<shrug> sounds like it's something, though. And it IS in my head, right?

vertigo happens

Yesterday's therapy was definitely interesting.  They called in the troops.  (Have I mentioned that I love this place?  I will, about a million times.)

At first they were puzzled at my relapse.  I was doing so well.  Yeah, I've heard that before.  But I knew not to panic this time.  These people taught me that.

These particular therapists were not my "regulars," so I explained how long I'd been at this, and what could possibly be at work here, my new medication, the weather, or just because.  Just because this is the third January in a row this has happened to me.  For no other apparent reason than it being January.  Only this time I've been doing everything to prevent it and it still decided to happen.  So, I guess my vestibular system really, really hates January for some unknown reason.  

The aide knew he couldn't do anything with me, so he called in the assistant who was supposed to be working with me (often at physical therapy establishments, therapists or assistants who work with patients will have aides go through exercises or therapies with patients who are doing well, especially when said therapists or assistants are finishing up with their last patient.  It's common practice.  I have seen this in every establishment I have been to -- sometimes they even employ the services of interns for this purpose).

The assistant came in and evaluated my situation.  He saw I was in a bad way, so he said he'd do a Hallipike maneuver to see if he observed any nystagmus.  He had me sit down with my legs in front of me then dropped me down quick with my head to the left.  As I felt the familiar dizziness come over me, he told me that he did, indeed, see my eyes pulse, or move, or whatever nystagmus looks like.  He had me collect myself and then repeated on the right.  I felt fine and said, "no, this side's ok." Just as the words came out of my lips, the world spun out of control and my eyes started fluttering.  Rolling around in my head like something out of a horror movie is more like it.  I heard his voice from a foggy distance, "what's happening?" and I knew I had to answer or he'd think I was seizuring.  "That's just my body's neurological response," I tried to explain.  I felt like hell.  He had me ride out the dizzy wave and then had me sit up.

He called in someone else, whom I assume was a therapist, and we then worked on eye exercises and head turns, all seated.  This was a far cry from what I had been doing this past few months, but vertigo happens.

My "homework" is simple, back-to-basic seated exercises.  And, yet, they still make me dizzy.  It is what it is.

I had one moment today of "what if?" (what if I never get better?  what if the exercises never work?  what if my condition never improves?  what if I can never go to work?).  My partner said we'll get by.  I love her for that.  I hate that I have to ask.  But, apparently, vertigo is going to keep on happening and happening and happening and...