I wasn't quite fond of the idea of going. less so, was I fond of the doctor who was performing said physical.
however, it was suggested by the nurse practitioner at the neurologist's office, that I have a physical done to have different things checked out (I felt like a faulty vehicle), and so I went.
this was my agenda: discuss my horrible joint pain which I think is not just fibromyalgia, discuss my inability to lose weight despite my hardly eating anything, discuss the strange dizziness that isn't my normal vertigo (that the physical therapist said see a cardiologist about (I still don't know about that...), and bring up a, er...personal problem (it's gross, you don't care about that).
this was her agenda: do I get a womanly check-up every year? (I'm a little behind, ok). mammogram? (same, but, for my age, it's not crucial, so back off), and stop smoking (of course she needs to say that).
she was casual, but really casual. relaxed is ok, but there is a point where, for me, it gets uncomfortable when health care professionals are so laid-back, they fail to be working (almost) and they are barely going through the motions. like she was saying to me by her actions, "I really don't want to be here, but..." (hey, who does? it is her job, though, make an effort, huh?).
my girlfriend has this saying, she picked up along the way about not taking other people's inventory. basically, it's along the lines of don't judge people. I used to be that way. but I'm becoming more judgmental as I come into contact with more people. I also find it amusing that she uses that line, because she is one of the most judgmental people I know, but that's ok. I love her just the way she is. anyway.
the physical was over and done with in the blink of an eye. I felt like I was bothering her every time I asked her a question. I managed to squeeze a few of my concerns in, but not the major one, the dizziness. she made me feel so disgusted and, well, stupid. (this seems to be a common theme for me, people making me feel stupid). it was all I could do to keep in the tears. I actually couldn't. as soon as she left the room, they came and I cried as I undressed for my EKG. Later, I cried even more in the bathroom. I resolved never to go back to her again.
so, added to the list of doctors who made me feel that their time, somehow is more "valuable" than my time.
to quote Dennis Miller, "I don't want to go on a rant here, but..."
having the letters MD (or DO, as it were, in her case) at the end of your name, does not make seconds, minutes or hours have any more value than anyone else. you may make more money than other people, but, at the end of the day, we all have the same 24 hours in a day, the same mundane tasks to perform during them (everybody eats, sleeps and goes to the bathroom), and, eventually, every single one of us will die.
yeah, that's where she took me.
this whole journey, this being a patient thing, this going from a "healthy person" to a "less-than-healthy" one and seeing doctor after doctor, healthcare person after healthcare person has made me so damned sensitive to, well, everything, every part of the process of getting a person healthy; the language that's used, the atmosphere in which one is treated, the timeliness of getting results, the amount of support available.
it seems to be lost on me.
first of all, my condition isn't life or death. it's life-affecting, but I'll live.
second of all, NOBODY CARES, or seems to. maybe because of the first thing I said. and also probably because the percent of people it affects like me are small.
third of all, what I am going to do with this information? even though I realize that this stuff applies to people not only with balance disorders or fibromyalgia, or whatever else I may or may not have (or the people I've worked with...they've been treated quite poorly as well), and this is a far-reaching problem, I am not sure how to get my voice heard. I feel like I'm one person, one small voice yelling in a throng of so many apathetic drones who just go on with their day-to-day existences UNTIL
it matters to THEM. or THEIR families or people THEY know or love.
I suppose that's one reason I write this blog. and hope it matters to somebody.
I WILL write my book, too. because that will mean so much more.
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